Mental Health and Gardening

        I’ll never forget the moment when I experienced my first anxiety attack.  I was 12 years old sitting in one of my classes in junior high. It came out of nowhere. It hit me hard. I was filled with fear, overcome with feelings of doom and darkness, and felt depersonalized from the world in which I was living. It was incredibly scary and lonely. 

          This was the beginning of my anxiety journey. I managed to have bouts that would come and go throughout junior high and highschool. At the time, I didn’t know why I would have months of generalized anxiety and months of respite. I never talked to anyone about it, I just endured.

At the age of 25, (I was married and had two children at this time) I moved away from my hometown and away from my family and twin sister.  My anxiety and depression returned and became so severe and unrelenting I knew I had to get help or give up. The emotional pain was unbearable. I needed to face my fears and jump into the unknown. I prayed deeply for guidance with the help I needed to receive. I found a cognitive therapy program that was just right for me. God knew exactly what I needed and I started working on my thoughts and mind. After 3 straight years of debilitating anxiety, I started to manage my anxiety. I was making permanent changes in my thought processes, and I conquered my panic attacks. I was still pretty anxious, but I was making monumental personal growth and discovering things about myself I hadn’t previously known. 

       Three years later, our family moved again. We purchased our first home. This was such an exciting time for me. I was used to renting and I could not change or alter anything in my previous homes. There was no freedom for my own creativity. The yard in this new home was half of an acre. It presented a huge space for diving into landscaping and all things gardening. I was transitioning, struggling with all the change and unknown and trying to manage my anxiety all at the same time.

      My love for flowers all started with my front-yard lawn. The grass was full of weeds and very unsightly. I wanted to fix it and I finally could! There was no one telling me I  couldn’t do this or that. I had freedom and creativity to do what I wanted outside. I started going full force and sprayed all the grass with weed killer. I started digging up the dead grass. It looked much worse than before and my neighbors probably thought I was crazy. It was just me and a shovel. But there was something about being out in nature that brought me a feeling of safety, peace, and respite from my intrusive thoughts. I was able to channel my anxious thoughts into creativity and focus on the yard. I was developing a passion that brought me so much joy. This is truly, where I felt the love of God. 

      After I finished seeding the grass, I watered it and it grew. It didn’t look the best, a bit patchy, but it was growing and that brought me so much confidence. I was learning I needed to be patient with it, so I took a break from the lawn to go make my first nursery visit. 

     I drove the short distance to the nearby nursery, a process that would become second nature in the years to come. This is when I bought my very first flower! It was a beautiful blue delphinium. I couldn’t believe the peace and joy that going into the nursery brought me. I could feel the energy from all the flowers, they were alive, made me feel alive, and didn’t demand anything from me. 

     As I have become fanatical about flowers and gardening, I have learned that gardening is helpful for my anxiety and mental health in more than one way. There are 12 truths I will go over one-by-one in individual posts and how they help me with my coping skills and happiness. The first of these is Patience.

I hope that through reading this post, I can help you find some healing through gardening and flowers and develop a passion and love for Gods Creations, like I have. There is a peace and love felt through them that is unique. For me it is truly a gift to feel such love for these miraculous plants and I have been blessed to feel so deeply for these creations. Plants are unique, each is one of a kind, just as each of you are. I’m filled with feelings of safety and peace.  I know that as you take time to get out and garden you can feel it too!